Culinary Ginger: Kevin from Top Chef (sorry Bobby!)

I will not mince my words, (see what I did there?) I have a huge crush on Kevin of Top Chef Las Vegas fame. First of all, he looks like Santa in his college days. Who wouldn't want to hit that? Jolly and generous but with tats and a bong! And you KNOW you wouldn't ever order pizza hut with this guy around. He'd go "HOLD ON" and present you with like some cilantro encrusted protein wrapped in ribbons made out of beets sitting in a puree of sunchokes. He's so cute and funny, and WHIPPED OUT that sous vide lamb even though he never cooks sous vide! And here I thought TC was setting me up for the typical mistake in the big challenges: never use new techniques or cook something you're not familiar with because Padma is bound to be like "Hmmmm....your yuzu foam had a very subtle flavor, but it just made me want to puke." Also i'd like to rest in his beard like a baby bird.

LET'S CLEAR ONE THING UP RIGHT NOW.

There was a horrible story in the news recently about a middle school aged boy of red follicles who was physically assaulted by classmates after an internet posting that promoted "Kick a Ginger Day". (You can read the article here.) I will be honest. I keep having these moments of recurring panic that OH MY GOD COULD THEY HAVE MEANT IWHTG?! I mean, this blog is dedicated to celebrating our rufescent friends, never denigrating them, but I can see how the title is misleading. Once again, it is "hit", as in "I want to tap that ass"or "I want to do the horizontal mambo" or my personal favorite, the "tonight I'm gonna hound and pound". Basically I'm just a chick who wants to do the stocky red head with the beard at the party. I DO NOT condone any violence to anyone, let ALONE gingers who are extra pain-sensitive, dontcha know. Unless of course that violence is against Danny Bonaduce and I will just go ahead and assume that it was necessary because he was about you stab you in the face for steroids and hookers. But even Bonaduce has children. Think of the kids, people. Think of the kids.

Which brings me back around to our original subject. Middle school is hard enough, but being targeted for abuse because of the way you look? That is not only sad, it's discriminatory and cruel. This little episode of violence was apparently inspired by South Park's "ginger kids" episode which...ugh. Blame the ignorant parents for not raising their children correctly, NOT the makers of a television show which is clearly tongue in cheek and meant for ADULTS not CHILDREN aaaaand I'm off the soapbox. But really it's not TV that is to blame. The lower end of human nature is just nasty and itching for a fight, and those kids who beat up the ginger? They are the same kids who kill cats when they are 6 and start bar fights when they are 26. And go to Sarah Palin book signings.

So people- STOP IT. Love on the ginger! Hell, love on everyone. It's a cold world out there. Don't we all need a little fire and spice in our lives? And also IT WASN'T ME I SWEAR.

Ginger Sighting: Jesse Tyler Ferguson at Intelligentsia, Silverlake

So last weekend I was in Los Angeles and I ended up at the extremely hipster and somewhat terrifying Cafe Intelligentsia in Silverlake. As we were leaving, who did I see but Jesse Tyler Ferguson: Ginger, musical theatre actor, Modern Family star (it's so cute!)! He's like, the ginger Neil Patrick Harris! And we all know how much I love me some NPH. I gawked a little bit, thinking I new him from NYU until I realized that I was being VERY UNCOOL in the universe that is Silverlake, and then the guy with the long har, red pyjama pants, silk shirt and sea foam green eye shadow looked at me very disapprovingly.

But YAY for new favorite bearded Gingers that I would reccomend all my available WEHO boys go try and hit immediately! Now watch this.

If this is true, I have made a grave error in judgement.

Dear Tim Minchin. You are hot and adorable. You are hilarious and Australian. I agree with you on issues of love and god which really makes you ten times as dreamy. If you weren't married I would probably put a little bit of effort into finding you. Or at least I would spend time thinking about it. But if what you say is true, then I am a bigot. IT'S OUT OF LOVE TIM. Can we move past this small bump in the road and become friends? Just like I am officially black (I have my card) I feel like I should also be officially Ginger because of the amount of time and love I pour into promoting the image of Ginger sexiness. Like an honorary degree or something. Can we work it out? Ok. I'll be waiting for your email. Thanks. 

Love, Natalie 

(Ps: If I am both officially black and officially ginger, does it make me this guy? I hope so.)

Phoebe Price (crickets chirp)

Let me clarify: by "hit that ginger" I mean smack her in her smug mug with a whiffle bat and hope I pop a cheek implant. I keed, I keed . . . sort of.

Seriously, who is this tranny clown!? Why must this crusty marshmallow of shameless promotion haunt the streets of Hollywood, staining the divine ginger persona with each clickity-clack of her lucite heels, with each famewhoring photo op? Why must she make us suffer so!? More importantly, why does she get to hold a piggy and not me? [shakes fist at sky]

Every time Phoebe Price's picture is printed in a tabloid, a unicorn DIES*.

*Posting pictures on blogs doesn't count. We're unicorn-safe, people.

Ron Howard finally does a project worth writing about.

OK. I'm going to start by saying that I am just thrilled about this post. Giddy. I'm kind of breathing a little heavily. Now, I love me some Ron Howard. What's not to love, really? He's completely adorable and talented, and he made a remarkably smooth switchover from child star to high powered director/producer. He was never caught in a hotel room with hookers and blow. He seems really humble, and whenever cameras are pointed at him he has a good natured look on his face and a little baseball cap. HE IS BEHIND ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT. Basically, I want to be friends with his family and have them over to dinner and play charades. 

But this...this latest development has me OVER THE MOON. 

Gentle Readers: check it out here. 

Watched it? OK. Now, what really titillates me is what happened before:

(*DING DONG*)

Ron Howard: Oh, hey Jamie. 

Jamie Foxx: What is UP Ron!

Ron: Nada! Are we ready to roll to the club?

Jamie: You bet. Forest is shotgun and Gyllenhall's driving. We're meeting Sam at the club. Apparently there is a panda there too. 

Ron: A RED Panda?!?

Jamie: No, just a normal panda. In a suit. 

Ron: Sweet. I'm gonna get pissy on the crissy tonight.

Jamie: You KNOW it. I took the liberty of attaching goblets to the top of all of our Oscars! 

Ron: Cram fest! 

Jake Gyllenhall: (*BEEP BEEEP*) Come on slow pokes! Last one in the Bentley's a rotten egg!

SCENE

So here's to Ron Howard, who has proven to us all today that gingers-- even middle aged, balding, pale, gingers-- are hyphy. 

I'll toast to that. 

Motts Marketing Meeting: 10 am

EXEC #1: OK. We gotta move some apple juice. So....we sell apple juice to moms and kids. Apples are red. What can we use?

EXEC #2: Firetrucks. 

EXEC #1: No.

EXEC #2: Clifford the Big Red Dog?

EXEC #1: uhh....no.

EXEC #2: Red Pandas!!

EXEC #1: What? No.

EXEC #3: Marcia Cross.

EXEC#1: Good! She epitomizes everything motherly, natural looking and non-robotic. It'll work. 

EXEC #3: Ok, but let's make sure she also says things semi sexually and emphasizes certain words in a knowing way for no reason whatsoever, just in case we can rope in that tricky 20-50 year old male apple juice drinking market.

EXEC #1: Done. This will be brilliant.

EXEC #2: ....Guys, I still think Red Pandas are more accessible.